“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
You can’t outrun your problems…
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
This forever.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail