Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
remember
only for emergencies
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.