@TravLeBlanc: Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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@robfee: My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka's tour.
@TheSeanBrewster: Sometimes I'll take such a good picture of someone I'm like "this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Twitter comedian: I'm the greatest tweeter alive! Kanye: Even I don't want that title.
@rickolantern: When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe