*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*