@RorynotRoy: Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me," yet here I am.
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@SuperRandomish: Coworker: "How'd you get that cut above your eye?" Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"
@Cheeseboy22: Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
@JoshuaHvr: This is your brain- *holds out egg* This is your brain on drugs- *puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
@SortaBad: Today I'm approaching teens dressed like I'm from the future, locking eyes, and saying "Happy Presidents Day, sir" with a wink