Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.