“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta