Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
men, we mow at sunrise.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal