Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
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I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER