[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
that de-escalated quickly
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.