A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?