@ilovepie84: Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn't want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
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@Cheeseboy22: If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Don't forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
@djdarrellripley: Her: I can't cook because, I "believe" I can't cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that? Me: The arrival of the paramedics?