Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
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I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.