Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
why no one uses midhusbands
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Knock Knock
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there