Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬