Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I just love that new Pope smell.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?