I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I’m not stressed
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.