Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
You Might Also Like
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Does this dress make me look cat?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Sorry. Not sorry
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.