I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.