‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
A double negative is a big no-no.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*