Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.