It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
HELP 😭
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart