“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
You Might Also Like
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
The Book. The Movie.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!