@AaronFullerton: "Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!" -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE: what's the name of that girl you work with? ME: which girl? WIFE: the pretty one ME: I feel like this is a trap
@mattytalks: Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5'9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
@TheQuietPsycho: Meanwhile, in a parallel world...a banana slowly and seductively peels and eats a human, while locking eyes with another banana...
@RayInOhio: Before you follow me looking to promote a product or service please know that I spend all my extra money on cheese.