“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
You Might Also Like
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Strangers have the best candy.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?