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@TheWriteStuff2u: Your proctologist called. He found your head.
@murrman5: *shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
@LaziestCanine: [uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
@DrinkingDad: "This is bullshit" - bull farmer giving barn tours
@ScottLinnen: Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
@nerdamage: I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.