Your proctologist called. He found your head.
You Might Also Like
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”