Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“I FIXED IT!”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.