“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
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*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope