“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.