Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.