Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
You Might Also Like
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!