“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
my fav colour is also hitler
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex