Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
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my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*