Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?