@KatieBurnett: Your secret is safeish with me
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
@man_in_radiator: I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out
@atDevin: What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven? If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong. The answer was "Nun of the Above".