@KatieBurnett: Your secret is safeish with me
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@clarkekant: One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.
@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water
@philmann: DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE: 1) put on a movie 2) don't watch it 3) read a book 4) every time something happens ask what happened
@TheRolo: [Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?