[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
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Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph