Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Accurate
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.