Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
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I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight