Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
two people or more is called a problem
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I am crying
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/