“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
the battle rages on
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.