“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
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Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”