nice challenge
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.