My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog