Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”