“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser