“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
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Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.