My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
A family that plays together cheats.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person