I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Breaking news:
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Bread puns are on the rise!
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.