Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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😆this is so true
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful