I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello