too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
mom gave me mine for free
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
? 💀
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm