@Sickayduh: Your turtle puns tortoise family apart
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@briangaar: If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath
@TheBoydP: Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do. Me: ok *Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
@Cheeseboy22: I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
@ShaunRightNow: Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.