If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.